Bowel movements.

Ugh, it's such a weird feeling...my stomach is creaking and cracking like the hull of an old ship.

Bitch fest 2008?

Apparently this blog is geared more towards bitching about things than food. Thou shalt not worry. In the meantime, I've been preparing a mental rolodex of some amazing foods and restaurants that will hopefully blow your minds as well.

But back to the real business at hand...what the fuck is with these traffic cops? These people are getting paid $30,000 a year to stand there and tell me what an inanimate traffic light already does?

Oh! It's a red light! I didn't know what that means but I'm glad you stepped out into traffic to let me know to stop, or else I might've plowed right across that stroller and into that bus. Oh! It's a green light! That means I can go, thanks alot officer. Boy howdy, you do a mighty good job, sir! Nice whistle!

Fuck all yalls. I don't need your little white gloves all up in my shit, bossing me around.

Wrestling? Are you serious?

What in the world is up with all of the WWF wrestling ads, commercials, video games and toys that I keep seeing? Did the world suddenly revert back to 1993 without my knowing it?

PLEASE STOP IT.

Why watch wrestling when you can watch this:

I strongly oppose this:

But I'm joining the idiots in the left lane.

Yes, I said it. I am now one of those people who continuously travels in the passing lane on the interstate, oblivious to the fact that they're holding up a line of cars a mile back.

I figure, what the fuck, why not?

You ask 100 people whether or not they think they're good drivers, I'd wager that 96% of those people will answer an unapologetic "yes". YET, these are the same people who do 5 mph under the speed limit in the passing lane during rush-hour traffic then get upset when people whiz around them. "What are these crazy, horribly bad drivers doing?" they ask themselves, lacking any sense of irony or self-awareness.

What those people need to understand that driving is not a lazy Sunday afternoon activity. It's comparable to an extremely important chess game that requires the full mental capacity and attention of all participants. You have to think ahead, viewing all possible scenarios before you commit to a change of lane. You must anticipate the other drivers moves before you alter your speed. Elimination of the opponent is the ultimate goal. This is serious business.

Often times I am extremely close to the crazy decision of installing an animated LED sign in the back of my car to display messages to the vehicle behind me. This would allow me to be able to more efficiently express my feelings to other drivers in a way that tailgating, quadruple -stepping on my breaks or a brick through their window with a note on it that says "GET THE FUCK OVER" fails to convey. Remember, just as in chess, legality is always an issue.

I also feel that by doing this I would be doing a major public service and would, hopefully, receive some sort of tax break. Any government officials reading this, please take note.

You may be thinking to yourself that I am exaggerating the issue, that, perhaps, I am actually one of that 96% of ill-mannered drivers. Well, you would be wrong.

Moving on, to those who are skeptical of my opinions on the majority of interstate travelers, I'd like to conclude with a little piece of advice: Please be aware of your position on the road and always guard your King...you never know when I might pounce and throw a rock through your window.

Congrats to Shannon and Demetrios!

This past weekend our friends Shannon and Demetrios got engaged.

It involved: kayaks, a ring, the sunset, 15 minutes, darkness, the police.

It did not involve: safety lights or life jackets.

The result: a happy couple, elated friends and family and a total of $105 in fines.



That's how we roll.

Afternoon Delight

This past weekend housed roughly 5 days chock full of birthday joy, a large part of which came in the form of food.




















This is part of my mom's birthday dinner for me. At the surface it may seem via the serving sizes that I was unappreciative and picky, but an untrained eye would only be so fooled.

The small portions owed due to the previous 2 days of feasting where, no lie, I ate enough to kill a small to medium sized horse (depending on breed). I Wikipedia'd "horse stomach explosion" and found that my gastrointestinal tract held close to double the poundage of your average equine stomach. Google it yourself.

All without taking a "number two" since Friday.

Also take note of the obsessive-compulsive arrangement of food. NEVER should they touch one another. It would be a great shame to get mashed potatoes on your corn or corn on your chicken.

Gross.

The rest of my family will start with a plate that looks "similar" to mine, then dump macaroni and cheese on top of the chicken, then slop some beans on the corn, then maybe ruin the mashed potatoes by carelessly adding God-knows-what-else.

All I know is that I ate a lot, it hurt, and it was awesome.

"Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside." ~Mark Twain

I think this is the start of a beautiful eating friendship.

Let's get this party started right.



I'd like to christen this ship with a picture of a hamburger from Five Guys stolen from another blog. This will easily be the first of many images theived away in the midst of night. Get used to it.

When possible, I will try to use my own photographs (with appropriate credit, of course) so you, the viewer, will get an accurate taste of the many simple, childish food choices that daily caress my palate.

You will never see a photograph of Foie Gras, spicy Turkish lentils or pureed prawn with smoked yogurt and nori on this website. This, I swear to you.

Now please visually sex-up the above burger, the meat patty clearly slapped between the palms of God.