To: My Winter Nerve

A few weeks ago I went to the Ottobar to see a band and while browsing the merch table I heard someone yelling. I noticed he was hollering at me in order to get my attention and when I approached him he spent the next 15 minutes telling me how much he enjoyed my band, how awesome we were and recalling minute details of shows that I couldn’t even remember. For clarification, this isn’t a band that I had recently; these details were from 5 years ago. Just yesterday an old acquaintance e-mailed me asking for a copy of this band’s CD because he lost his and really wanted to listen to it. We get e-mails of people overseas who somehow got our actual homemade CD and inquire about the band. I get these types of e-mails fairly often. To further press this point, writing this prompted me to check our MySpace page and I answered an e-mail from some dude in Spain asking to get a copy. Not bad for my first band that we started 8 years ago.

This got me to thinking about that single moment in life where everything changes. I would assume for most people these events come into your life in such ways as going to college, getting married, having kids, getting shot at in Iraq or being involved in a deadly car accident. Not necessarily all these things or in that order. When these moments occur, the person recognizes the weight of the situation and understands that their life won’t be the same from here on. Thus far I’ve assumed meeting Laura was this singular moment and things like getting married, starting a career and buying a house were all by-products. All this time I’ve been mistaken. All of the aforementioned moments are simply the result of something else. My own moment slipped in like a thief in the night and I never took a close enough look at exactly how important it was.

In 2002 (I believe that was the year) the four of us started playing music together. None of us had ever been in a band before and I hadn’t been playing guitar for very long. Yet we still managed to write music that made Hagerstown’s knees buckle. I often think about what it was like to show up to Clint’s parent’s house, load up our stuff, drive to the show, unload, meet people, sit at our merch table, goof off, setup, destroy ear drums, tear down, talk to fans, pack up and head home. It’s the best feeling in the world. Standing there playing, looking over a sea of kids, eyes closed, arms crossed, heads bobbing, and feeling totally connected to everyone in the room. To paraphrase, Iggy Pop said it best that when you’re in the grips of it (music) you don’t feel pleasure, you don’t feel pain, physically or emotionally. It’s very true. When I recall my mental state while playing, especially during a large, pivotal part of the song, is that of such ecstasy that my mind felt numb. I wasn’t thinking about anything at all, my mind was a blank slate, yet my body was racing with energy. The best way for me to express that ecstasy and energy was to just throw my guitar (and sometimes myself) around. Every moment mattered. Every song we listened to on the way to the show mattered. Every person we met who loved our band mattered. It used to bother me that we never went anywhere past the tri-state area. I knew then (and I still do) that we had the ability to do really well with our band and be successful, but when I look back on it now, I prefer it the way it was. I like that our band was something special just for our area. It was ours and we were theirs.

To continue though, it was through this band that I’ve achieved everything else in life. I can still remember the moment I met Laura. It was evening outside of Hagerstown Community College’s cafeteria building. I was there playing a show and she was there to see our band. She knew to come see our band because she was in school with Clint and Nevin, two of my band mates. My character, personality, interests, likes and dislikes were all shaped by spending so much of my time around these friends I was in a band with. The person I was then is more or less the same person I am now because being a part of that experience taught me to stick to who you are. Most people I knew looked and behaved a certain way because it was the current trend, and when that climate changed, they changed. They spent their teenage and young adult years morphing from one person to another. I’m proud that I’ve stayed true to myself and to my friends. Where would I be now without that band? Who would I be? Who knows what type of music I would enjoy, what type of people I would spend my time with and what I would do for fun. Who knows where I would be living, who I would be living with and what I would be doing with my life. I’m sure it wouldn’t be too awful but I can guarantee it wouldn’t be as awesome as life is now.

It was only yesterday that I truly realized that I owe everything I enjoy and love to being in a band with those dudes and for that, Clint, Jared and Nevin, I am eternally grateful.